by Gian Carla Lumabao
My parents separated when I was a little girl, but they eventually got back together and as a result, I was blessed with a brother and a sister whom I loved and adored so much.
Just when I thought we were finally a happy family, my father returned to his old ways which broke our family apart.
My mom eventually flew to the US and remarried, being able to bring my siblings with her as they were much younger.
As a child, I was sexually harassed by a relative; and while my mom, together with her parents did their absolute best to raise me to be a wonderful human being – past hurts, trauma, and pride led to bad decisions ending in more pain and suffering.
I would get in trouble at school. I would lie and cheat. I would do anything to get what I want, whenever I want. I would get involved in toxic relationships.
I was just so lost and miserable.
It was 2015 when I finally gave up and surrendered everything to Jesus. While it was the best decision I have ever made, it sure came with a cost just as the Bible said it would.
To deny myself and take up my cross meant giving up comfort, convenience, and worldly desires and passions so I could follow Jesus.
Not that He needs me to follow Him, but doing so is for my good. Romans 8:28 says, “For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”
As a Christian woman, I still struggle with sin. I would beat myself up over my mistakes, and then run back to God in repentance, yet find myself stumbling again.
I would get impatient with myself and feel discouraged, but God never fails to encourage me and remind me of just how patient He is with me.
During the pandemic, I served as a nurse at a quarantine facility where most of my workmates disliked me for my convictions. To say it broke my heart is an understatement.
I worked 12-hour shifts for 14 days straight and then was in quarantine for the next two weeks.
In isolation, I’d cry out to The LORD who is my ever-present help.
These moments being locked in allowed me to just sit at the feet of Jesus and experience His comfort.
A few months after I left the facility, I was shaken to my core as I learned about my beloved brother’s sudden passing in the United States due to a car accident. He was only 24.
Being miles away, I felt so helpless, but The LORD was so gracious to allow me to eventually go to California to be with my family.
However, I could not stay for longer than six months so I had to return here. Living alone and away from family in the midst of grief was almost unbearable.
The hormonal imbalance due to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Adenomyosis (PCOS) only made it worse.
There were days when I’d go to sleep and wish I’d never wake up. But then I’d still wake up and feel very disappointed, so I’d go back to sleep hoping to never wake up ever again.
In one of my weakest and most vulnerable moments, I fell into sexual sin with a brother in Christ, and for a while, I couldn’t live with myself.
For someone who was just about to be regularized as a full-time worker in the church, I felt deeply ashamed and wanted to just vanish and be gone forever.
But by the grace of God, He provided me with the strength and courage to confess and expose my sin. While I wholeheartedly embraced the discipline I so deserved, the consequences including being talked about and looked down upon by fellow Christians were unbelievably and extremely hurtful.
But God Is Faithful. Over and over again in both the Old and the New Testament, He promised never to leave nor forsake us. It was not long until I realized that in Him, we are never truly alone.
He used the church community, my discipleship group family, and my grief counselor to point me back to Jesus and make me feel His unconditional love.
They are the physical embodiment of God’s grace at work in my life. With unwavering commitment, they were there for me and held my hand as I went through the bittersweet process of restoration.
I almost can’t believe it’s already been a year since.
I didn’t think I’d still be standing, and yet here I am sharing stories of the hope I have in Jesus with all of you.
I will never forget how in my quiet moments with Jesus, He has taught me and motivated me to “get up, pick up my mat, and walk.”
In John 16:33, Jesus said to His disciples, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
More than the promise of trials and troubles, Jesus promised peace and victory.
We may be faced with the most tragic and “Maalaala Mo Kaya (Would You Remember)-worthy” situations, but whatever it may be – it cannot be for our good, because in His great love, God seeks our highest good.
Everything God allows is ultimately what is best for us.
So let us endure and run the race with perseverance, holding on to our promise-keeping God – because how can we not?
He is faithful and His love never fails. To God be the glory!
GIAN CARLA “GICA” LUMABAO is joyfully living the single life dedicated to God, her LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ. She is currently a full-time staff for B1G (Be One with God) Singles Ministry at Christ’s Commission Fellowship (CCF).
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