Erectile Dysfunction, Immigration, And An Ilocano Lawyer

by Emmanuel S. Tipon, Esq.

Full disclosure:
“It is not the size that matters. Even an ant bite can sting.”
– From “Memoirs” of Emmanuel S. Tipon

“You are a better performer than my husband,” cooed the ravishingly beautiful mestiza to her lover. “And he is younger,” she added as a footnote.The Ilocano lawyer who was the object of her affection responded. “I do not have erectile dysfunction. I could make love with you every night.”

“How about during the day?” asked the mestiza, expecting the lawyer to say “touche.”

“I have to work during the day so I can give more money to you,” answered the lawyer, who was quick at repartee and avoided acknowledging a touche.

What is erectile dysfunction?
According to Matthew Ziegelmann, M.D., a doctor at the Mayo Clinic: “Erectile dysfunction (impotence) is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.”

Immigration related marriage not consummated
Immigration officer to visa applicant: Was your marriage consummated?Visa applicant: No, sir.Officer: So, your marriage is not bona fide.Applicant: It is sir, but I cannot have an erection. I have erectile dysfunction.

Patay kang bata ka. (You are dead, young man.)

No erectile dysfunction in Ilocano
There is no Ilocano word for “erectile dysfunction.” Our associate Mae Joy and I are writing an English-Tagalog-Ilocano dictionary. We do not have any entry for “erectile dysfunction.” There is no such creature as “erectile dysfunction” among Ilocanos. There is no evidence that the following story is true: A balikbayan man and his new bride went to a first-class hotel in Laoag City, Ilocos Norte for their honeymoon. As they were consummating their marriage, the man asked his wife, “Darling, na feel mo?” The wife replied in disgust: “Napilco” (It is bent).

No erectile dysfunction in the Bible
Biblical scholars find no such thing as “erectile dysfunction” (ED) in the Bible. King Solomon reputedly had 1,000 women in his life (700 wives and 300 concubines). 1 Kings 11:3. You cannot have sex with such a large number of women if you have ED. King David, father of Solomon, had less, but still a significant number. David had to make love frequently to the young Bathsheba, a woman of incomparable beauty, whom he lustfully saw bathing under the last rays of the setting Mediterranean sun.

David stole her from her husband Uriah, a younger man and a soldier in his army, whom David sent to the battlefront to get him killed. David was about 70 years old when he died, but still making love. He is considered Israel’s greatest king. David was a firm believer in God and God rewarded him. No ED.

Then there is Abraham, said to be the patriarch of  David and Jesus, who was 100 years old when his son Isaac was born to him and his wife Sarah who was 90 years old.

In addition, Abraham had to make love with the young Hagar, a slave, who was Sarah’s handmaiden but who gave her to Abraham so that he could have a child with her and have an heir. That was before Sarah herself had a child with Abraham.

When Hagar became pregnant, however, Sarah became jealous and treated her harshly and she fled into the desert. She bore a child who was named Ishmael. But after Sarah died, Hagar came back and Abraham married her.

This proves that if you do not waver in your faithfulness to the Almighty He will reward you by allowing you to have a mistress, have an erection, and children even though you are 100 years old and above. I have read the Bible – both the English and Ilocano version. There is no “erectile dysfunction.”

Viagra and erectile dysfunction
Most people never heard of erectile dysfunction until 1998 when Viagra was introduced by a pharmaceutical company as a “cure” for erectile dysfunction. The Ilocano lawyer tried Viagra. A few minutes later the ceiling turned blue. His heart beat faster. He whispered to his playmate in bed that he had taken Viagra. His playmate demonstrated: “You told me I was your Viagra.”

The lawyer whispered: “You are still my Viagra. I just tried Viagra once just to feel its effect.”

Viagra can have deadly results. The Ilocano lawyer told this story when he went to Ilocoslovakia. A former congressman’s son, who was the Ilocano lawyer’s classmate in elementary school, reportedly was told by a woman companion at a hotel to take Viagra.

He took a pill. It did not work fast enough. She egged him to take another one. He did. He died in bed. The woman fled. Police were called to investigate a dead body in the hotel. They found two Viagra containers on the table. The police caught the woman who confessed to what happened.

Relief for erectile dysfunction
Matthew Ziegelmann, M.D. said: “Having erection trouble from time to time isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. If erectile dysfunction is an ongoing issue, however, it can cause stress, affect your self-confidence and contribute to relationship problems. Problems getting or keeping an erection can also be a sign of an underlying health condition that needs treatment and a risk factor for heart disease.

“If you’re concerned about erectile dysfunction, talk to your doctor — even if you’re embarrassed. Sometimes, treating an underlying condition is enough to reverse erectile dysfunction. In other cases, medications or other direct treatments might be needed.” 

The Ilocano lawyer – who is now 90 although looking much younger according to adoring women – was told by his beauteous 40-something doctor that he could expect to live another 10-12 years and that he can still have children.

What is the lawyer’s secret? Spend significant time with young women – 18 and above. Any one below that might get you in trouble with the law. Their youthful vigor and outlook on life will be absorbed by means of osmosis.

There are also enzymes (which speed up chemical reactions in the body) made in the young woman’s mouth which can be transmitted by passionate kisses.

Drink at least half a quart of pasteurized goat milk every day. Eat goat meat. Eat meat from animals with big sexual organs like bulls and bisons. Take all the necessary supplements including those containing horny goat weed and iron. Exercise every day. Exercise even during the long 10-hour airplane flight from Honolulu to Manila. Minimize stress. Be positive. Be optimistic. Believe that everything will be all right.

A very exciting sex life can be achieved if the man has no ailments, all his organs are disease free and functioning properly, and most importantly he has rich red blood flowing smoothly into the penis coupled with a sexually attractive young woman who knows how to stimulate the man to the height of simultaneous orgasm.

As the song goes: “It takes two to tango.” As the poem puts it. “Useless each without the other.” Or as Emmanuel S. Tipon puts it: BS (Blood and stimulation).

ATTY. EMMANUEL S. TIPON was a Fulbright and Smith-Mundt scholar to Yale Law School where he obtained a Master of Laws degree specializing in Constitutional Law. He graduated with a Bachelor of Laws degree from the University of the Philippines. He placed third in the 1955 bar examinations. He is admitted to practice before the U.S. Supreme Court, New York, and the Philippines. He practices federal law, with emphasis on immigration law and appellate federal criminal defense. He was the Dean and a Professor of Law of the College of Law, Northwestern University, Philippines. He has written law books and legal articles for the world’s most prestigious legal publisher and writes columns for newspapers. He wrote the annotations and case notes to the Immigration and Nationality Act published by The Lawyers Co-operative Publishing Co. and Bancroft Whitney Co. He wrote the best-seller “Winning by Knowing Your Election Laws.” Listen to The Tipon Report which he co-hosts with his son Attorney Emmanuel “Noel” Tipon.  They talk about immigration law, criminal law, court-martial defense, politics, and current events. It is considered the most witty, interesting, and useful radio show in Hawaii. KNDI 1270 AM band every Thursday at 8:00 a.m.  Atty. Tipon was born in Laoag City, Philippines. Cell Phone (808) 225-2645.  E-Mail: Website:,

The information provided in this article is not legal advice. Publication of this information is not intended to create, and receipt by you does not constitute, an attorney-client relationship.

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